Simpler Days

People do not like talking about depression.

Neither do I, to be honest. But it’s easier to talk about it online than in person.

Depression is a lot like waves to me. Not a constant sort of wave. I spend days without worrying about it and then there comes a morning when I wake up and immediately feel drowned, drowned with all these unnecessary emotions and feelings of not being worthy to exist in this fake and materialistic world.

Ok, I just googled it and found that it’s mostly the same for everyone. Depression does come in waves or as they call it “depressive episodes”. I simply hate the fact that it can do that to me. I was fine yesterday. But after waking up today, I just don’t want to exist. It’s surprising and quite funny how easily this feeling gets triggered. Makes me wonder if I’ll ever know before a tsunami wave gets formed?

I feel like escaping, but I can’t say if that will fix my mind. I was watching into the wild last night. So, maybe that had an impact. What Christopher McCandless (“Alexander Supertramp”) did in the 90s is fucking admirable to me. I feel that I won’t mind doing something similar. But will it fix my problem? That’s the question.

There was a scene in the movie where Alex talked about the perception of love to some people.

“Some people feel like they don’t deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps to the past.”

These two lines hit me hard, mainly because I have been feeling this way for a while. And I’m also trying to close that gap. But, the gap no longer feels like a gap anymore, it feels more like an endless void now.

It’s kind of funny how I always end up feeling like a fool in the end. No matter how many different approaches I take, the outcome is always the same.

So, dear society, when I walk into those empty spaces, I sincerely hope you will not feel lonely without me.

I miss those days when I could bunk classes or work and instead go to the park to walk by the lake with my favorite music playing on my headphones and quietly enjoy the dark clouds before the rain. I miss simpler days.